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ROUTINE CLAIMS Yesterday at 11:01 AM
When a van on official business for the city of St. Paul, Minnesota, accidentally hit Megan Campbell’s Nissan Pathfinder in August, Campbell, naturally, filed a claim against the city for the $1,900 damage — normally just a cost of business for a city and one of about 400 claims St. Paul has processed this year.
PISCES: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:51 AM
The African nation of Swaziland has passed a law prohibiting witches from flying their broomsticks any higher than 150 meters above ground. That will be a big problem for Piscean witches. There is currently an astrological mandate for them to swoop and glide and soar as high and free as they want to.
AQUARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:50 AM
Two physicists in Massachusetts are working on technology that will allow people to shoot laser beams out of their eyes. For Halloween, I suggest that you pretend you have already acquired this superpower. It’s time for you to be brash and jaunty as you radiate your influence with more confidence.
CAPRICORN: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:49 AM
You are at a point in your astrological cycle when you deserve to rake in the rewards that you have been working hard to earn. I expect you to be a magnet for gifts and blessings. The favors and compliments you have doled out will be returned to you. For all the strings you have pulled on behalf of others’ dreams, strings will now be pulled for you. Halloween costume suggestion: a beaming kid hauling around a red wagon full of brightly wrapped presents.
SAGITTARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:40 AM
I’ve got two possible remedies for your emotional congestion. You might also want to make these two remedies part of your Halloween shtick. The first remedy is captured by the English word “lalochezia.” It refers to a catharsis that comes from uttering profane language. The second remedy is contained in the word “tarantism.”
SCORPIO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:29 AM
In AMC’s famous TV drama, a high school chemistry teacher responds to his awful luck by turning to a life of crime. The show’s title, Breaking Bad, refers to what happens when a good person cracks and veers over to the dark side. So then what does “breaking good” mean? Urbandictionary.com defines it like this: “When a criminal, junkie, or gang-banger gets sweet and sparkly, going to church, volunteering at soup kitchens, and picking the kids up from school.”
LIBRA: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:28 AM
“The egromenious hilarity of psychadisical melarmy, whether rooted in a lissome stretch or a lusty wobble, soon defisterates into crabolious stompability. So why not be graffenbent?” So said Noah’s ex-wife Joan of Arc in her interview with St. Crocodile magazine. Heed Joan’s advice, please, Libra.
VIRGO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:26 AM
Our evolutionary ancestors Homo erectus loved to eat delicious antelope brains. The fossil evidence is all over their old stomping grounds in East Africa. Scientists say that this delicacy, so rich in nutrients, helped our forbears build bigger, stronger brains themselves. These days it’s harder but not impossible to make animal brains part of your diet.
LEO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:25 AM
This is one of those rare times when it’s OK for you to just throw out the dirty dishes that you are too lazy to wash. It’s also permissible to hide from a difficult person, spend money on a supposedly foolish indulgence, binge-watch a TV show that provokes six months’ worth of emotions in a few hours, and lie in bed for an extra hour fantasizing about sex with a forbidden partner.
CANCER: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Yesterday at 10:24 AM
Native American hero Sitting Bull (1831-1890) was a renowned Lakota chief and holy man. He led his people in their resistance to the U.S. occupation of their land. How did he become so strong and wise? In large part through the efforts of his doting mother, whose name was Her-Holy-Door. Let’s install her as your exemplar for now.
 
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