The Boys of Summer: Dazed and Confused

Jacksonville Suns schedule odd promotions


I’m no physician, but I think the Jacksonville Suns staff are suffering from heat exhaustion. I mean, what other possible explanation than dizziness and confusion—two of the most common signs of heat exhaustion—can there be for some of strange promotions scheduled for the rest of the season?

Midget Wrestling (July 11): According to The Little People of America, a non-profit that provides support to "people of short stature" (the preferred terminology) and their families, we shouldn’t even be using the “M” word,” let alone encouraging opportunities for public objectification. This does, however, beg the question: Why doesn't the organization change its name to "The People of Short Stature of America"?

Leprechaun wrestling (July 12)
: See above with the added insult of contestants having to wear green suits, top hats and fake beards. Please don't make it worse by having the announcer say "top o' the inning to you" all night.

John Rocker Appearance (July 13): The former Atlanta Braves pitcher who gained notoriety for making slurs about blacks, Asians, homosexuals and immigrants, threatening a reporter and using steroids will be at Bragan Field signing copies of his new book "Scars and Strikes." I can only hope Rocker isn't prejudiced against redheads who wear oversized shoes and smell like French fries (which, I'm quite sure, he refers to as "freedom fries") since Ronald McDonald also appears that night.

Family Faith Day (July 14)
: Don't get me wrong: I think it's great that local church groups and choirs will be performing hymns and giving praise at the game. But someone probably should have checked what radio station was sponsoring the event first. While I'm a huge fan of 107.3 JACK FM myself, I seriously doubt Pastor Purity and Reverend Righteousness would appreciate the lyrics of songs the station plays like, say, "Blister in the Sun," "Brown Sugar" or "Little Red Corvette (you didn't really think Prince was singing about a car, did you?)

Dog Daze of Summer (July 28): The Suns' annual bring-your-pooch-to-the-ballpark event is quite popular with fans, but I can't imagine the dogs are that jazzed about it themselves considering every square inch of their bodies is covered in hair and they're forced to lie on a stale beer-soaked slab of concrete covered in boiled peanut shells during the hottest month of the year (the average high in July is 92 degrees, people!). At least the Suns had the sense to schedule the opposing team to be the Chattanooga Lookouts, which is a subtle reminder to watch where you step.

In retrospect, guess I shouldn't really be all that surprised by these promotions. What else do you expect from a team that hosted Tonya Harding Bat Night? 

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