Jags Should Be Playing in the Super Toilet Bowl

The Super Bowl is today. And if I remember correctly, it's the Whatchamacallits vs. the Who Cares. The reason I don't care is because I'm really not a fan of football — or TV ads (little-known fact: commercials are the reason God invented the fast-forward button on DVR remotes).

I am, however, a fan of the Jaguars, mostly because I love Jacksonville, and I understand their significance to this city—which is why I have analyzed their record-breaking 2-14 season to figure out what went wrong. Knowing very little about the sport, my theories have nothing to do with football and everything to do with nothing.

1. The team's name: The Panthera onca or jaguar, as it is more commonly known, is a solitary animal that lives alone and hunts alone: hence, there is no name for a pack of jaguars. How can you be a team when your namesake doesn't know anything about teamwork? Killer Bees would have been a better choice.

2. Shad Khan and his mustache: Fans, I blame you for this one. If you'd pay a little more attention to supporting the team and players than its dashing billionaire owner and his lip sweater, maybe they'd be inspired to play better. 

3. The uniforms: Even if you don't buy into the theory of dark clothing absorbing more heat than lighter colors, black is associated with mourning and death. Teal, on the other hand, is associated with emotional health and stability. 

4. Mike Mularkey: I know nothing about his coaching experience or skills, but what do you expect from a guy whose last name means "nonsense"? (Yes, I know the word is spelled "malarkey," but it sounds the same.)

5. Twitter: It's great that so many players are on Twitter connecting with fans, but perhaps they should spend a little more time talking about preparing for upcoming games or commenting on their performance. Instead, most of them spend their time chirping about video games or where they are going to eat (80 percent chance it's at St. Johns Town Center).

In other news, Portable Sanitation & Services, for the record, is the official portable toilet provider of the Jacksonville Jaguars.