Football is out ... and FOOTBALL is in!


I’m not abandoning the Jaguars.

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for my hometown team. It’s just that I’ve never had much of a personal connection to football. I didn’t watch it growing up. In high school, I went to exactly one football game. And Jacksonville University didn’t even have a team when I went to school there. Honestly, I haven’t even watched the Super Bowl since 2005—no, not even for the commercials.

Accordingly, I have decided to make it official and announce my retirement as a partially-semi-barely football fan to become a pro soccer (or “football,” as the rest of the world calls it) fan, specifically a fan of the Fulham Football Club (or "soccer" as we refer to it). And here's why:

1. Shad Khan. I. Love. This. Man. Everything he says, thinks, does and spends his millions on. Love.

2. Less complicated rules. Or so says this article on And my British expatriate friend. 

3. Shorter games. There's a pretty good chance I could make it through an entire soccer game without switching the channel more than three times (90 minutes plus 15-minute half vs. three hours-ish of football). 

4. Recognizability. Football players wear all that padding and those giant helmets that obscure their faces: It's difficult to know who's who if they aren't wearing a jersey with their name in giant letters on the back (subliminal message: soccer players show more skin, which brings me to...)

5. Better bodies. Seriously, how many people fantasize about seeing a 400-pound man naked? In related news, Fullham goalie David Stockdale and I are now dating (unbeknownst to him ... and his wife).

6. Foreign accents. I'm a sucker for them, and Fulham has players from Austria, England, Germany, Ghana, Greece, Ireland, Mali, Switzerland and Venezuela. Jaguars guard Austin Pasztor is from Canada.

7. Actually using the metric system that I was forced to learn in high school.

But no matter how much of a Fulham fan I become, I promise you, dear readers, I will still call it "soccer."

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As a former Columbusite, I miss my Crew games.

Occasionally I find a game on NBCSports. Thursday, August 8, 2013|Report this